Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My sister-in-law
I have the most annoying sister in law. She thinks she is so much better than everyone. She home schools her kids which she thinks is so much better than me. Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch I have nothing against home schooling. The problem I have with her doing it is she doesnt drive, they never go anywhere, theyre not in any home school groups. She has a 10, 6, and 5 yr old. The oldest plays with the two younger kids all day and doesnt even act her age. They arent around kids their own ages. They wont know how to deal with everyday situations and people. She posted this blog about 100 reasons to home school. Most of the were about protecting them from outside influences. I am proud that my son goes to public school. Hes making friends and is around kids his own age. Hes also learning to deal with situations that will help him in life down the road. I get so tired of her trying to make everyone else believe shes so much better for keeping her kids so selcuded and sheltered from everything and everyone. I had this friend in high school. She went to public school but her mother kept her sheltered about everything else. When she turned 18 and went to college she was out of control. She started sleeping around, got her nipples and tongue pierced. It was crazy. But thats because she was never allowed to do anything before. I will be making multiple posts about my sister-in-law. This is the only place that I can freely gripe about her.
The Weekend
Not much to report. Saturday we got up and went to work out. Then we came home and Mike went to get a battery for the Jeep while I started to work on cleaning out the gargage. Most, no probably all of the stuff is mine and I was to start going through it to decide what I wanted to keep and get rid of. Then we just kind of hung out the rest of the evening. Sunday we went to church and then to lunch with his mom. That was nice. Then we came home and took a long nap which was followed by some much needed together time. We went to evening service where afterward the church had a watermelon fellowship to comemorate the 87th year of their being there. Then we came home and got ready for bed.
Monday my mom and I decided we would have a garage sale, note: mondays not a good day. So after a few hours we packed it in and went to run errands. We went to Michaels, Tulsa Gold and Silver, and to the Bargain Thrift Store. By the time we got done it was time to pick up Jordan from school. Then we came home. Mike came home shortly afterward and we moved the treadmill into the house so I can start using it.
Tuesday morning I woke up with a sore throat and feeling like crap. So did Mike so he took the day off. Which would have been nice but I had to take some baby stuff over to a friend of mine. Her name is Kristen and boy does she have problems. Her boyfriend tried to kill himself over the weekend so she had to admit him into the hospital and shes pregnant. She has 2 kids already by another guy. They live with her in a house thats about to be foreclosed on and she needs to move. She sells pills on the side and she still smokes. When I saw her light up I wanted to punch her. That poor baby is choking and coughing every time she lights up and its like she doesnt even care. It makes me sick. I gave her a bunch of baby stuff because she has nothing and I cant hang onto stuff in the hopes that I might have another baby. After I left her house I brought Conor home so he could sleep and my mom and I went to walgreens and ate lunch. We brough Mike back some lunch and then I wanted to nap but didnt get to.
Mike and I got into a discussion about whether or not hes happy and that just upset me. He says hes not unhappy but hes not 100% happy either. He doesnt know why he was feeling this way if its because he wasnt feeling well or maybe it was another demonic attack or what. But I dont like to hear things about his feeling unhappy. I am doing everything in my power to change things about myself that I dont like. I just hope that this will all work out. Then we ate dinner and pretty much went to bed about 7. I still feel like crap but hes seems to be better.
Monday my mom and I decided we would have a garage sale, note: mondays not a good day. So after a few hours we packed it in and went to run errands. We went to Michaels, Tulsa Gold and Silver, and to the Bargain Thrift Store. By the time we got done it was time to pick up Jordan from school. Then we came home. Mike came home shortly afterward and we moved the treadmill into the house so I can start using it.
Tuesday morning I woke up with a sore throat and feeling like crap. So did Mike so he took the day off. Which would have been nice but I had to take some baby stuff over to a friend of mine. Her name is Kristen and boy does she have problems. Her boyfriend tried to kill himself over the weekend so she had to admit him into the hospital and shes pregnant. She has 2 kids already by another guy. They live with her in a house thats about to be foreclosed on and she needs to move. She sells pills on the side and she still smokes. When I saw her light up I wanted to punch her. That poor baby is choking and coughing every time she lights up and its like she doesnt even care. It makes me sick. I gave her a bunch of baby stuff because she has nothing and I cant hang onto stuff in the hopes that I might have another baby. After I left her house I brought Conor home so he could sleep and my mom and I went to walgreens and ate lunch. We brough Mike back some lunch and then I wanted to nap but didnt get to.
Mike and I got into a discussion about whether or not hes happy and that just upset me. He says hes not unhappy but hes not 100% happy either. He doesnt know why he was feeling this way if its because he wasnt feeling well or maybe it was another demonic attack or what. But I dont like to hear things about his feeling unhappy. I am doing everything in my power to change things about myself that I dont like. I just hope that this will all work out. Then we ate dinner and pretty much went to bed about 7. I still feel like crap but hes seems to be better.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Today
Today is Friday, August 22, 2008. Not much to talk about today. Got up and just hung around the house. I cleaned a bit and now Im waiting to go get Jordan from school. Tonight Mike and I are supposed to go to dinner with his sister and another couple from church. She says it will a chance for us to get to know another couple and talk to each other again. Im still a little apprehensive about the whole thing but oh well.
I was divorced from my first husband in 2006. We have a child together and Im supposed to get child support from him. Back in February he decided he didnt want to work anymore or pay child support so he quit his job. Last week he got another job and today when I checked the child support account I have like $500 in it. Im so happy. This couldnt have come at a better time. Im not to thrilled with my sons fathering abilities. He just likes to be his friend not a dad. But the man Im married to now is the best Dad around so I know he will turn out alright in the end.
I was divorced from my first husband in 2006. We have a child together and Im supposed to get child support from him. Back in February he decided he didnt want to work anymore or pay child support so he quit his job. Last week he got another job and today when I checked the child support account I have like $500 in it. Im so happy. This couldnt have come at a better time. Im not to thrilled with my sons fathering abilities. He just likes to be his friend not a dad. But the man Im married to now is the best Dad around so I know he will turn out alright in the end.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Thursday, Aug 21 2008
Not much to tell about today. I got up cooked breakfast and got everyone ready for the day. Took Jordan to school and then came back and cleaned a little. I watched the E! True Hollywood Story about The New Kids On The Block. It was cool. I used to listen to them. Then I took Conor to a MOMs Club meeting at a place called Ollies Restaurant. The restaurant is filled with trains and its really cool. After the meeting I went over to my church Red Fork Baptist Church, and looked at the clothing ministry. Afterward I came home. I checked my mail and found that Mikes sister had emailed me about going to dinner tomorrow night with her and her husband and another couple. I have reservations about doing this. I think it will be awkward and uncomfortable. But Mike wants to go so Ill go to. Anytime I can spend with him is good. I took a small nap and then it was off to the gym to work out with Mike. Today was arms. I did alright and then came home for dinner. We had chicken tacos. Now Im just sitting here waiting for bed, Im tired.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Wednesday, Aug. 20 2008
Not much going on today. I got up this morning and had some quiet time with God. Ive got to say that I feel pretty good. Tonight I am going to church with my kids and looking forward to it to. I always feel better when I go to church. I am going to my Grandmas today to visit while my Mom works on sewing stuff. Mike has a Dungeons and Dragons game tonight so he wont be home til late. I miss him when hes gone. I love him very much. Later I am taking Conor to a place called the Little Gym, a place for kids to go play. Ill write more later.
Intro to the Tattooed Lady
Today I decided to start a blog about my life. I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Its a small town compared to where I lived before in Orlando Florida. I like it here. I met my husband here. I guess I should give a little background.
I was born in Jacksonville Florida. My Dad was in the Navy so we moved around a lot. I have 2 sisters. We lived in Florida, Oklahoma and Maryland. We moved here in 1993 I was 14. I started going to Carbondale Baptist Church. I also started high school at Jenks High School. i hated all four years I was there. I only made one friend and I never fit in with all the rich kids. I made lots of friends at church. I love it there. We had a great youth group and had lots of fun hanging out. I graduated high school in 1997. That year was hard for me. In June of that year I got pregnant. I was 17. I decided to have an abortion rather than bring a life into this world that I did not want and could not provide for. I started a job at a picture framing company that my uncle owns. I was really good at my job. I was dating a guy named Henry. i had been dating him off and on since 1995. In between dating him I had also dated a guy named Michael. Ahhh Mike hes was THE guy I wanted to be with. But we had been off and on as well and that year in 1997 we were off. He had decided the year before that he wanted to see other people. I agreed and we went our separate ways. Michael was this smart, funny, charismatic, very goodlooking guy that I just was drawn to in a way that I couldnt explain. I was friends with his sister and we hung out a lot. Michael I knew loved me but he was torn about being with just one person. So this year 1997 Henry and I were dating. We dated steadily until 1999 when we took a break and I went out with Mike again. But he again decided that he wanted to go out to the clubs more than be with me so we went our separate ways.
In December of that year Henry and I were engaged. I think now that I did it a little out of spite because I knew it would hurt Mike. In October of 2000 we were married and in June of 2001 I gave birth to my first son, Jordan. Things between Henry and I were awful. We fought all the time and he was never home. This we on for 5 years. In April of 2005 I had had enough. I packed up Jordan and moved in with my parents. I found out in May, on Mothers Day, the reason he was never home, he was having an affair. That was it, the very last straw, I filed for divorce. Later that summer I got an email from Mike saying that hed heard Id left Henry. I confirmed this and we started dating. I have always thought that Mike was my soul-mate and he felt that too. He just needed that time we were apart to grow up a little. My divorce from Henry was final in March 2006. In September 2006 my soul-mate and I were finally married after 11 years of waiting. (We had started dating in June of 1995) I was ecstatic. Things were falling into place and I couldnt be happier. Or so I thought. In March of 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. I was so happy I couldnt contain it. In July of 2007 we moved to a suburb called Sand Springs. Way out in Sand Springs, onto a piece of property Mikes grandpa owned before he died. Now Mikes uncle owns it and we agreed to live there and take care of the property for not paying rent. It sounded like a good idea at the time but it became a nightmare. First of all we still didnt have any money because we were spending so much on gas for Mike to get to work and back. Then almost every weekend his uncle was over working in the shop behind the house. It was like having your landlord over every weekend, not cool. In November of 2007 I gave birth to my second son, Conor Kael. We stayed there until July of this year. My parents divorced after 31 years.
My Dad decided that he would rather live with another woman than stay married to my Mom who gave him basically her whole life. He moved out on Easter Sunday. How tacky is that? So I could have lived with that but then he started acting like a complete dick. My Mom is entitled to get half of his military retirement until he dies. He decided that he didnt like that and tried to get that changed. That didnt happen. Then he writes my Mom a bogus check which then bounces and my screws up my Moms bank account. When asked what he is doing to do about it he says 'I'm not going to do anything about it.' That just about sent me over the edge. Then when my Mom went to cash the check a second time he had put a stop payment on the check. I was livid. I called him and told him I hated his guts and he could never see me or my kids again. Needless to say its been weird.
While all this was going on my sister and her husband were breaking up and they divorced last month. Then my sister-in-law decides that she hates me. Now this is a long story. It all started because Mike and I were supposed to go to the old house to clean up and I needed his sister to watch the kids. Then we decided that Mike should go by himself, at 5 in the morning, and I emailed her to tell her this. I emailed instead of calling because I know she gets up early and checks her mail first. I didnt think this was a big deal and went on with my day. Later in the day I went to check my mail only to discover this:
I find this incredibly irritating and frustrating. This is the 3rd time in 2 weeks that you have asked me to babysit, I have gotten up early and gotten everyone ready and the house clean in order for your kids to come over, then ended up sitting around waiting, only to have a message from you saying you're not coming after all.I find it incredibly disrespectful of my time for you to do this. I am putting my day on hold to take care of your kids only to find out that I could have had a regular day after all. I also find it wrong that you choose to just send a message instead of calling me. My kids and I sat here for half an hour this morning waiting for you to show up, and you didn't bother to call and say we're not coming, you chose to just message me about it. Luckily, I've learned by now to check my messages to see what you have to say. If you had called, that's 30 minutes of my day I could have spent actually doing something instead of sitting around waiting.My brother at least should know better, as I know he is irritated by people wasting his time as well. I'm so fed up with this whole thing right now, it really upsets me. I love you guys and your kids and watching them is not a problem but this is ridiculous. I have things to do just like you do and, while I am glad to help when I can, I am NOT glad to have my time wasted like this.
i wrote back: well then i wont ever ask you again. i didnt call because we decided this early and Conor has been really fussy this morning and i basically didnt have the time. and frankly whatever then. you act like your the only one who has anything important to do and i dont like that. I'm just as busy as you are and i see your point but again i wont ever ask you again so you wont have to be bothered with my kids again. i know where we stand mike was nice enough to inform me that you really dont like me either so i guess we're even. anyway thats all.
she wrote back: It was not my intention to make you angry or upset by my message. I was simply stating my case. I have a tendency to do things for people even when I don't feel like it and I have to draw the line somewhere. You cannot use Conor's fussiness as an excuse not to call me. If you have the time to log onto myspace and send me a message, you have the time to call me.I do not understand at all how you can say that I act like I am the only one who has anything important to do. I don't recall ever asking you to watch my kids while I do something. I do have things to do. I just manage to do them with my kids with me. I do not mind taking the time to help people out when they need it. I do mind when people fail to show up and my time is wasted. Its called being taken advantage of, and I don't like it. You wouldn't either. If I called you and asked you to reserve 2 hours of your day and then didn't show up, and didn't bother to call and tell you I wasn't going to show up, you would be upset as well.Your children are no bother to me, as I'm pretty sure I said in my first message. So don't go throwing around words like "you won't have to be bothered with my kids again".Also, words like "I know where we stand" are a little much. I was stating my opinion, my feelings about something you have been doing. I was not telling you off or anything of the sort. It was a statement, not a war.If my brother did in fact tell you that I "don't really like you either" then he was putting words in my mouth. I have never said that. I HAVE, however, told him that I don't like the way you treat him. I have seen you treat him like crap and he just takes it and is as sweet as he can be to you. If anyone else talked to him like that, he'd put them through the wall. It isn't right. I have told him my opinion on this. I have told him that it isn't normal and married people do not treat each other like that. So, whatever he might have said to you was probably based on my opinions on that.We're not 13 anymore and I for one have no desire to act like it, to get huffy and tell each other off and do the whole "you're not my friend anymore!" routine. I don't do drama and you don't need any either.So, again, I did not mean to make you angry. I was simply stating that this is how I feel and please don't do me this way again. Also, again, you'd feel the same way if someone did the same thing to you. We're adults. Let's act like them. We're going to disagree on things and say things that the other doesn't like. It's not the end of the world.
i wrote back: well regardless ill find another babysitter from now on. it does make me upset and im sorry you feel i was acting like im 13. for the record i dont treat michael like crap and hes not a perfect angel either. no marriage is perfect. im not trying to say i dont want to be friends thats not what i was saying anyway. i think we need to remain friends due to the fact that we're family now and our kids do like each other. other than that i dont have much else to say.lets just leave it at that before things are said we'll regret. sorry for the inconvenience it wont happen again.
she wrote back: I did not say you were acting like you were 13. I said lets not get to that point. I just wrote out a very long response and deleted it. Let me just say this: you do treat him like crap. I know he's no angel - I lived with him for 18 years. He doesn't know what to do to make you happy and I don't know what to tell him. Talk to him, ask him how happy he is - because he's not. I have seen you treat him like crap. Even my kids ask me why Aunt Katy is so mean to Uncle Mike. You guys need to do some serious talking. Ask him if he thinks you treat him like crap. I'm no marriage counselor but you guys need some work. The problem is you're both so much alike - and you both always think you're right. Anyway, I'm tired of all this so just please, you guys work on the way you treat each other, because I certainly don't like my kids seeing it.And if you don't want me to babysit your kids, that's fine. It's your decision.
i wrote back: this is the last time i am going to address this issue. i let mike read what you said and he disagrees. we have talked a lot over the past months and things are better than they have been before. what you call fighting is not what i call fighting we have disagreements and discussions. you want to see fighting you should have been around henry and i. we fought all the time. your kids have never seen us fight maybe a disagreement but nothing major. that being said your right you are no marriage counselor. you say you and tony never fight well that can be just as bad to a relationship. NO marriage is perfect. mike and i love each other more than anyone knows and we try our best to take care of each other. the difference is he doesnt let other people see him be mean to me. he said last night that he is happy and that things are better. we are both working on ourselves. i was trying not to make this personal but telling me i treat mike like crap was over the line, even if we are family you have no right to talk to me like that. i know we are very different in EVERY aspect of our lives. there are things i wanted to say to but have since deleted them. so for the record mike and i are happy. hes happy. and thats all i have to say. respond dont respond i dont care. you probably shouldnt i think we should just let this go and go on pretending like everything is peachy keen. i mean jordan really likes your kids and i would like for him to be able to continue to see them. i dont want to create a rift so lets just forget all this.
she wrote back: IF my brother told you that, it was a lie. If he's not man enough to stand up to you and tell you the truth, I can't help it. Suffice it to say that I don't care to be around you, you are not the kind of person I want influencing my children with your negativity. So my brother and your kids are welcome any time but you are not. I could write pages of all the things I'd like to say but we know we don't like each other so that's that.
i wrote back: needless to say the feeling is mutual. and i dont want you around mine either so i guess family functions are out the door....
she wrote back: Well, fortunately, that decision is not entirely up to you and if my brother wants to bring his son to see me he can and he doesn't need your permission. God knows your kids need to know that not all families are like yours.
i wrote back: you know what screw you. its obvious youve never liked me or jordan. i knew noone in this family would ever accept jordan. i am happy with my family. mike is happy with our family. your family is not as perfect as youd like think. i tried to be civil and i was trying to be nice even though i also could write pages and pages on you as well. i was trying to keep this quiet for mikes sake but you have taken it too far by putting something on about dealing with negative people. you are not around mike and i enough to know our family! im not sorry things have ended this way. i have nothing else to say to you. im done.
she wrote back: How dare you say that no one in this family would accept Jordan? How can you even begin to think that? He has been included in everything YOU would allow him to be included in. He has been at every party, every family get-together. We've baby sat him and had him for sleepovers. I have made it a point through this whole little tirade to say that BOTH your kids are welcome here. It's not his fault he has a selfish mother. Mike is not happy in "that" family. I don't care what he says to you, I KNOW what he has said to me, and how many times the only thing keeping him with you is the fact that you have a child together.I don't know how you can say you were trying to be nice, since my first messages were mature and civil, and yours sounded like a 12 year old throwing a fit.My family is not perfect - no family is. I personally can't think of anything wrong with my family. Of course we're not perfect people but we are a stable, loving family and we provide a SAFE, stable, loving environment for our children. We do not fight and lash out at each other in front of our children. We do not fight and lash out at each other at all. People who act like that are suffering from such low self-esteem that they feel threatened by everything and everyone around them and try to protect themselves by hurting others. But your family is messed up and you know it. You have to know that you scream and cuss at your husband and kids. You can't do it and not know it. Your problem is that you think everything in the world is someone else's fault and it couldn't possibly be that you are the cause.That is why I posted about negative people - I honestly feel drained just having to deal with people like you. I have watched my own brother sink further and further into depression since marrying you so I know you have the same effect on him. You ARE a negative person, whether you admit it or not. You always have been - even as a teenager. And for God's sake - please learn to write correctly. I feel like I'm talking to a child. And "screw you" - that's really mature.
I didnt respond to the last email she sent. I took her off my myspace page and she took me off hers and that was that. As far as Im concerned we never have to speak again. But then it got worse. Mike and I have a joint myspace page that I hadnt taken her off yet and since I monitor it I was checking it one day shortly after all this had happened and saw shed posted two bulletins one called 'Dear Katy what I wish I could say' and 'Have you ever wanted to slap someone'. Of course I read both. The first one was about all the things she wished she could say to me. She went on and on about how I was such a negative person and complained all the time about all the bad things in my life. She also went onto say how she couldnt hardly look me in the face knowing that Id had an abortion. The reason being she had a baby when she was 16 and couldnt understand why I didnt want to have mine. I have never had anyone be so mean to me. She also said that I shouldnt be allowed to have my kids which hurt a lot. So at that point I was pissed. I got onto my myspace page and posted a blod entitled: My sister in law and her high horse' since we werent on each others myspace pages anymore I didnt think she could read it and somehow she found out and did. Heres what it said:
mikes sister, got pregnant at 16 and had the baby. I had gotten pregnant the year before and decided to have an abortion rather than have a child i didnt want and couldnt provide for. she found this out and i think had hated me ever since. she on the other hand never wanted children and gave up everything to have her daughter. which is fine but not something i wanted to do. then she married a guy and two kids very quickly. her husband and her moved from place to place, never had any money. she decided to not work instead staying home to take care of the kids and home school. now before anyone gets their panties in a wad those are okay things to do. if you can. they cannot. in fact they moved in with her dad and lived there for almost 3 year. not paying rent, didnt save any money, took over the whole house, you couldnt even tell her dad even lived there, they went through three tax checks and still didnt save anything. they were always broke even though they didnt pay rent or utilities. the house was never clean and they brought in bugs from the shed and they were everywhere. then when they finally did move out their dad forked over the money for them to buy the house and then within 6 weeks she was complaining about how they didnt have enough money for food or bills. they cant manage money to say their lives always spending it on video games and eating out and then she wonders why she cant lose weight. she has a five yr old son whose still not potty trained and the last time he was over he hit me twice. so its a good thing she doesnt want me around her kids anymore because next time i would have spanked him. hes a spoiled brat. she thinks shes better than me because she home schools and her and her husband never fight.
mike and i have had some problems. its hard to come into an instant family like he did. i was coming from a horrible relationship wtih jordans dad and i still have issues that i am resolving. i tend to make problems where there are none and for a while i was overwhelmed with having two kids and a house hold to take care of. as for treating mike like crap that is the biggest load of shit i have ever heard, if anything i treat him like a king. i get up everyday and we walk at 5am then i come back and get his lunch ready or breakfast if he wants. i will go anywhere at anytime to get him anything he wants. i will make him any food at all hours of the night, i will take him anything at work that he needs, i cook, clean, do his laundry, take care of the kids, the cats, the dogs, the house (even though we live with my mom i still clean), i let him sleep in,or nap when he wants, work on his D&D stuff all day sometimes while i take care of everything else. he bascially has nothing to do but thats how I want it. i like to have everything done so he doesnt have to do anything but come in from a hard days work and relax with his family. i love him with everything i have. yes sometimes we may argue about stuff but its not major. hes my soul mate, my lover and my best friend. he feels the same way and we have great plans for our future. what id like to say to her is fuck off. you dont know us and you cannot understand because you dont love tony that way. shes still in love with her ex but is in denial about that. our life is getting so much better each day as im doing self-hypnosis and working out has brought us closer. look for great things from us. our family is great and im not going to let some snotty brat bring us down.
Since this happened she wrote an apology heres what it said:
Dear Katy, I know you are not expecting to hear from me again, or at least certainly not to hear what I am about to say. I come to you with an apology, and uneasy peace to offer. I don't know that you'll accept it or even trust to believe it. But I talked with my brother on the phone today and could hear the stress and tiredness in his voice, so I spent a good deal of time thinking things over, and here is what I have to say...Perhaps my first email was too harsh, or too sudden, or both. I should have expressed my frustration with fewer words and more care, but I didn't. I could say, "you caught me on a bad day" or "must be because I'm not a morning person", but those would just be excuses.What I should have said in my second message was that your children were no bother to me, and that I hadn't intended to upset you. I should have said I'm sorry you don't like me, though I don't know why you don't, but I have never said I don't like you - and I should have left it at that.What I should have done is been more loving and more understanding toward you. When I noticed the way you guys fight, I should have waited for the right time and then asked you about it, listened to your side of the story, and offered any help or advice you might have welcomed, and left the rest unsaid.What I should have done when I noticed that you are quick-tempered is to share with you that I am, too, and this is something I have had to work to overcome since I had children. I could have loaned you a parenting book or invited you over to discuss the stresses in your life and see if I had any answers that would help you.What I should have done is said, "Hey, I can relate. I married a guy and brought someone else's child into the relationship, and it took some getting used to but here's how we got through it, maybe our experiences can help make yours a little easier." I could have told you that being newly married, with a baby to take care of is hard. I remember. I could have told you what a drastic difference ther is between caring for one child and caring for two, and how sometimes you'll fell torn in two yourself, and sometimes you'll just be so utterly exhausted that you just want to be left alone.What I should have done is tell you how we went through our own struggles at this same point in our marriage. They say the second year of marriage is the hardest - the "honeymoon is over", but you haven't yet reached that point wher all the kinks are worked out - and I agree. It was certainly the hardest year of our marriage. Add in a baby, some postpartum depression, and not nearly enough sleep, and things get even harder. I could have told you all that and empathized with you, but I didn't.I should have told you from the beginning that I'm not particularly fond of keeping other people's kids - not just your kids, but any kids. It makes me nervous. But I do it sometimes because I know people need help and some day I may need someone to keep my kids for awhile. I should have told you all this a long time ago, so you could understand how hard it is for me to smile and say, "Sure, I'll watch the kids.", and therefore perhaps understand my irritation better with the incidences over the past few weeks.What I should have done is try to help you find the positive in life instead of condemning you for seeking out the negative.What I should have done is realized that while I love a great debate and can argue my head off without getting emotionally involved, you were being hurt by some of the things I said. My brother pointed out to me today that although our family enjoys the debates, most other people don't. I should have thought of that.What I should have done is been a better friend - because, loathe as we have both been to admit it for the past few days, for much of our lives we have been friends. I should have offered gentle encouragement instead of harsh criticism. I should have been a help rather than a hindrance. I should have offered my help and advice but not given it unless asked.I should have said and done a lot of kind and loving things, but instead I was unfeeling and judgmental.I should have apologized, and now I am. It was never my intention to create dissension between you and me, you and my brother, or our families in general, and I am sorry that so much has been said that cannot be taken back.I know you will not accept this apology easily, if at all. But I offer it just the same. Life is too short to be ruined by petty differences. I was reminded of that today by a friend who is facing truly monstrous problems in her own life, and I felt foolish for all the useless bickering of the past few days.We've both said harsh things and we've both had our feelings hurt, or at least our pride wounded. Things cannot be made magically perfect after something like that, and I realize that, and I'm sure you do as well. For that I am truly sorry and hope that you will accept my apologies - all of them.Heather
I wasnt to sure she meant any of this. I wrote back an apology as well. I thought everything would be alright and I was wrong. We go to the same church and she doesnt even acknowledge that Im there. She talks to Mike but ignores me. I feel judged and persecuted whenever we are in the same room. I know now that we will NEVER be friends again. Everything we believe is different and I cant be friends with someone who thinks she is better than me because she home schools her kids. Theres nothing wrong with home schooling. But she never goes anywhere. She doesnt drive, they arent in any home school group. She keeps the kids completely isolated from any other kids and they are not going to know how to deal with anything outside of the home. She thinks everything she does is better than me but you know what Im not going to allow her to bring me and my family down.
Mike and I joined Red Fork Baptist Church and for the first time in a long time I feel that I have peace about things. I feel this will bring us closer and things will be better. We work out 3 days a week at the gym and try to walk together. Working out definitely brings us closer. Things are good between us and I dont have to justify my marriage or life to anyone especially her.
Stay tuned for more......
I was born in Jacksonville Florida. My Dad was in the Navy so we moved around a lot. I have 2 sisters. We lived in Florida, Oklahoma and Maryland. We moved here in 1993 I was 14. I started going to Carbondale Baptist Church. I also started high school at Jenks High School. i hated all four years I was there. I only made one friend and I never fit in with all the rich kids. I made lots of friends at church. I love it there. We had a great youth group and had lots of fun hanging out. I graduated high school in 1997. That year was hard for me. In June of that year I got pregnant. I was 17. I decided to have an abortion rather than bring a life into this world that I did not want and could not provide for. I started a job at a picture framing company that my uncle owns. I was really good at my job. I was dating a guy named Henry. i had been dating him off and on since 1995. In between dating him I had also dated a guy named Michael. Ahhh Mike hes was THE guy I wanted to be with. But we had been off and on as well and that year in 1997 we were off. He had decided the year before that he wanted to see other people. I agreed and we went our separate ways. Michael was this smart, funny, charismatic, very goodlooking guy that I just was drawn to in a way that I couldnt explain. I was friends with his sister and we hung out a lot. Michael I knew loved me but he was torn about being with just one person. So this year 1997 Henry and I were dating. We dated steadily until 1999 when we took a break and I went out with Mike again. But he again decided that he wanted to go out to the clubs more than be with me so we went our separate ways.
In December of that year Henry and I were engaged. I think now that I did it a little out of spite because I knew it would hurt Mike. In October of 2000 we were married and in June of 2001 I gave birth to my first son, Jordan. Things between Henry and I were awful. We fought all the time and he was never home. This we on for 5 years. In April of 2005 I had had enough. I packed up Jordan and moved in with my parents. I found out in May, on Mothers Day, the reason he was never home, he was having an affair. That was it, the very last straw, I filed for divorce. Later that summer I got an email from Mike saying that hed heard Id left Henry. I confirmed this and we started dating. I have always thought that Mike was my soul-mate and he felt that too. He just needed that time we were apart to grow up a little. My divorce from Henry was final in March 2006. In September 2006 my soul-mate and I were finally married after 11 years of waiting. (We had started dating in June of 1995) I was ecstatic. Things were falling into place and I couldnt be happier. Or so I thought. In March of 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. I was so happy I couldnt contain it. In July of 2007 we moved to a suburb called Sand Springs. Way out in Sand Springs, onto a piece of property Mikes grandpa owned before he died. Now Mikes uncle owns it and we agreed to live there and take care of the property for not paying rent. It sounded like a good idea at the time but it became a nightmare. First of all we still didnt have any money because we were spending so much on gas for Mike to get to work and back. Then almost every weekend his uncle was over working in the shop behind the house. It was like having your landlord over every weekend, not cool. In November of 2007 I gave birth to my second son, Conor Kael. We stayed there until July of this year. My parents divorced after 31 years.
My Dad decided that he would rather live with another woman than stay married to my Mom who gave him basically her whole life. He moved out on Easter Sunday. How tacky is that? So I could have lived with that but then he started acting like a complete dick. My Mom is entitled to get half of his military retirement until he dies. He decided that he didnt like that and tried to get that changed. That didnt happen. Then he writes my Mom a bogus check which then bounces and my screws up my Moms bank account. When asked what he is doing to do about it he says 'I'm not going to do anything about it.' That just about sent me over the edge. Then when my Mom went to cash the check a second time he had put a stop payment on the check. I was livid. I called him and told him I hated his guts and he could never see me or my kids again. Needless to say its been weird.
While all this was going on my sister and her husband were breaking up and they divorced last month. Then my sister-in-law decides that she hates me. Now this is a long story. It all started because Mike and I were supposed to go to the old house to clean up and I needed his sister to watch the kids. Then we decided that Mike should go by himself, at 5 in the morning, and I emailed her to tell her this. I emailed instead of calling because I know she gets up early and checks her mail first. I didnt think this was a big deal and went on with my day. Later in the day I went to check my mail only to discover this:
I find this incredibly irritating and frustrating. This is the 3rd time in 2 weeks that you have asked me to babysit, I have gotten up early and gotten everyone ready and the house clean in order for your kids to come over, then ended up sitting around waiting, only to have a message from you saying you're not coming after all.I find it incredibly disrespectful of my time for you to do this. I am putting my day on hold to take care of your kids only to find out that I could have had a regular day after all. I also find it wrong that you choose to just send a message instead of calling me. My kids and I sat here for half an hour this morning waiting for you to show up, and you didn't bother to call and say we're not coming, you chose to just message me about it. Luckily, I've learned by now to check my messages to see what you have to say. If you had called, that's 30 minutes of my day I could have spent actually doing something instead of sitting around waiting.My brother at least should know better, as I know he is irritated by people wasting his time as well. I'm so fed up with this whole thing right now, it really upsets me. I love you guys and your kids and watching them is not a problem but this is ridiculous. I have things to do just like you do and, while I am glad to help when I can, I am NOT glad to have my time wasted like this.
i wrote back: well then i wont ever ask you again. i didnt call because we decided this early and Conor has been really fussy this morning and i basically didnt have the time. and frankly whatever then. you act like your the only one who has anything important to do and i dont like that. I'm just as busy as you are and i see your point but again i wont ever ask you again so you wont have to be bothered with my kids again. i know where we stand mike was nice enough to inform me that you really dont like me either so i guess we're even. anyway thats all.
she wrote back: It was not my intention to make you angry or upset by my message. I was simply stating my case. I have a tendency to do things for people even when I don't feel like it and I have to draw the line somewhere. You cannot use Conor's fussiness as an excuse not to call me. If you have the time to log onto myspace and send me a message, you have the time to call me.I do not understand at all how you can say that I act like I am the only one who has anything important to do. I don't recall ever asking you to watch my kids while I do something. I do have things to do. I just manage to do them with my kids with me. I do not mind taking the time to help people out when they need it. I do mind when people fail to show up and my time is wasted. Its called being taken advantage of, and I don't like it. You wouldn't either. If I called you and asked you to reserve 2 hours of your day and then didn't show up, and didn't bother to call and tell you I wasn't going to show up, you would be upset as well.Your children are no bother to me, as I'm pretty sure I said in my first message. So don't go throwing around words like "you won't have to be bothered with my kids again".Also, words like "I know where we stand" are a little much. I was stating my opinion, my feelings about something you have been doing. I was not telling you off or anything of the sort. It was a statement, not a war.If my brother did in fact tell you that I "don't really like you either" then he was putting words in my mouth. I have never said that. I HAVE, however, told him that I don't like the way you treat him. I have seen you treat him like crap and he just takes it and is as sweet as he can be to you. If anyone else talked to him like that, he'd put them through the wall. It isn't right. I have told him my opinion on this. I have told him that it isn't normal and married people do not treat each other like that. So, whatever he might have said to you was probably based on my opinions on that.We're not 13 anymore and I for one have no desire to act like it, to get huffy and tell each other off and do the whole "you're not my friend anymore!" routine. I don't do drama and you don't need any either.So, again, I did not mean to make you angry. I was simply stating that this is how I feel and please don't do me this way again. Also, again, you'd feel the same way if someone did the same thing to you. We're adults. Let's act like them. We're going to disagree on things and say things that the other doesn't like. It's not the end of the world.
i wrote back: well regardless ill find another babysitter from now on. it does make me upset and im sorry you feel i was acting like im 13. for the record i dont treat michael like crap and hes not a perfect angel either. no marriage is perfect. im not trying to say i dont want to be friends thats not what i was saying anyway. i think we need to remain friends due to the fact that we're family now and our kids do like each other. other than that i dont have much else to say.lets just leave it at that before things are said we'll regret. sorry for the inconvenience it wont happen again.
she wrote back: I did not say you were acting like you were 13. I said lets not get to that point. I just wrote out a very long response and deleted it. Let me just say this: you do treat him like crap. I know he's no angel - I lived with him for 18 years. He doesn't know what to do to make you happy and I don't know what to tell him. Talk to him, ask him how happy he is - because he's not. I have seen you treat him like crap. Even my kids ask me why Aunt Katy is so mean to Uncle Mike. You guys need to do some serious talking. Ask him if he thinks you treat him like crap. I'm no marriage counselor but you guys need some work. The problem is you're both so much alike - and you both always think you're right. Anyway, I'm tired of all this so just please, you guys work on the way you treat each other, because I certainly don't like my kids seeing it.And if you don't want me to babysit your kids, that's fine. It's your decision.
i wrote back: this is the last time i am going to address this issue. i let mike read what you said and he disagrees. we have talked a lot over the past months and things are better than they have been before. what you call fighting is not what i call fighting we have disagreements and discussions. you want to see fighting you should have been around henry and i. we fought all the time. your kids have never seen us fight maybe a disagreement but nothing major. that being said your right you are no marriage counselor. you say you and tony never fight well that can be just as bad to a relationship. NO marriage is perfect. mike and i love each other more than anyone knows and we try our best to take care of each other. the difference is he doesnt let other people see him be mean to me. he said last night that he is happy and that things are better. we are both working on ourselves. i was trying not to make this personal but telling me i treat mike like crap was over the line, even if we are family you have no right to talk to me like that. i know we are very different in EVERY aspect of our lives. there are things i wanted to say to but have since deleted them. so for the record mike and i are happy. hes happy. and thats all i have to say. respond dont respond i dont care. you probably shouldnt i think we should just let this go and go on pretending like everything is peachy keen. i mean jordan really likes your kids and i would like for him to be able to continue to see them. i dont want to create a rift so lets just forget all this.
she wrote back: IF my brother told you that, it was a lie. If he's not man enough to stand up to you and tell you the truth, I can't help it. Suffice it to say that I don't care to be around you, you are not the kind of person I want influencing my children with your negativity. So my brother and your kids are welcome any time but you are not. I could write pages of all the things I'd like to say but we know we don't like each other so that's that.
i wrote back: needless to say the feeling is mutual. and i dont want you around mine either so i guess family functions are out the door....
she wrote back: Well, fortunately, that decision is not entirely up to you and if my brother wants to bring his son to see me he can and he doesn't need your permission. God knows your kids need to know that not all families are like yours.
i wrote back: you know what screw you. its obvious youve never liked me or jordan. i knew noone in this family would ever accept jordan. i am happy with my family. mike is happy with our family. your family is not as perfect as youd like think. i tried to be civil and i was trying to be nice even though i also could write pages and pages on you as well. i was trying to keep this quiet for mikes sake but you have taken it too far by putting something on about dealing with negative people. you are not around mike and i enough to know our family! im not sorry things have ended this way. i have nothing else to say to you. im done.
she wrote back: How dare you say that no one in this family would accept Jordan? How can you even begin to think that? He has been included in everything YOU would allow him to be included in. He has been at every party, every family get-together. We've baby sat him and had him for sleepovers. I have made it a point through this whole little tirade to say that BOTH your kids are welcome here. It's not his fault he has a selfish mother. Mike is not happy in "that" family. I don't care what he says to you, I KNOW what he has said to me, and how many times the only thing keeping him with you is the fact that you have a child together.I don't know how you can say you were trying to be nice, since my first messages were mature and civil, and yours sounded like a 12 year old throwing a fit.My family is not perfect - no family is. I personally can't think of anything wrong with my family. Of course we're not perfect people but we are a stable, loving family and we provide a SAFE, stable, loving environment for our children. We do not fight and lash out at each other in front of our children. We do not fight and lash out at each other at all. People who act like that are suffering from such low self-esteem that they feel threatened by everything and everyone around them and try to protect themselves by hurting others. But your family is messed up and you know it. You have to know that you scream and cuss at your husband and kids. You can't do it and not know it. Your problem is that you think everything in the world is someone else's fault and it couldn't possibly be that you are the cause.That is why I posted about negative people - I honestly feel drained just having to deal with people like you. I have watched my own brother sink further and further into depression since marrying you so I know you have the same effect on him. You ARE a negative person, whether you admit it or not. You always have been - even as a teenager. And for God's sake - please learn to write correctly. I feel like I'm talking to a child. And "screw you" - that's really mature.
I didnt respond to the last email she sent. I took her off my myspace page and she took me off hers and that was that. As far as Im concerned we never have to speak again. But then it got worse. Mike and I have a joint myspace page that I hadnt taken her off yet and since I monitor it I was checking it one day shortly after all this had happened and saw shed posted two bulletins one called 'Dear Katy what I wish I could say' and 'Have you ever wanted to slap someone'. Of course I read both. The first one was about all the things she wished she could say to me. She went on and on about how I was such a negative person and complained all the time about all the bad things in my life. She also went onto say how she couldnt hardly look me in the face knowing that Id had an abortion. The reason being she had a baby when she was 16 and couldnt understand why I didnt want to have mine. I have never had anyone be so mean to me. She also said that I shouldnt be allowed to have my kids which hurt a lot. So at that point I was pissed. I got onto my myspace page and posted a blod entitled: My sister in law and her high horse' since we werent on each others myspace pages anymore I didnt think she could read it and somehow she found out and did. Heres what it said:
mikes sister, got pregnant at 16 and had the baby. I had gotten pregnant the year before and decided to have an abortion rather than have a child i didnt want and couldnt provide for. she found this out and i think had hated me ever since. she on the other hand never wanted children and gave up everything to have her daughter. which is fine but not something i wanted to do. then she married a guy and two kids very quickly. her husband and her moved from place to place, never had any money. she decided to not work instead staying home to take care of the kids and home school. now before anyone gets their panties in a wad those are okay things to do. if you can. they cannot. in fact they moved in with her dad and lived there for almost 3 year. not paying rent, didnt save any money, took over the whole house, you couldnt even tell her dad even lived there, they went through three tax checks and still didnt save anything. they were always broke even though they didnt pay rent or utilities. the house was never clean and they brought in bugs from the shed and they were everywhere. then when they finally did move out their dad forked over the money for them to buy the house and then within 6 weeks she was complaining about how they didnt have enough money for food or bills. they cant manage money to say their lives always spending it on video games and eating out and then she wonders why she cant lose weight. she has a five yr old son whose still not potty trained and the last time he was over he hit me twice. so its a good thing she doesnt want me around her kids anymore because next time i would have spanked him. hes a spoiled brat. she thinks shes better than me because she home schools and her and her husband never fight.
mike and i have had some problems. its hard to come into an instant family like he did. i was coming from a horrible relationship wtih jordans dad and i still have issues that i am resolving. i tend to make problems where there are none and for a while i was overwhelmed with having two kids and a house hold to take care of. as for treating mike like crap that is the biggest load of shit i have ever heard, if anything i treat him like a king. i get up everyday and we walk at 5am then i come back and get his lunch ready or breakfast if he wants. i will go anywhere at anytime to get him anything he wants. i will make him any food at all hours of the night, i will take him anything at work that he needs, i cook, clean, do his laundry, take care of the kids, the cats, the dogs, the house (even though we live with my mom i still clean), i let him sleep in,or nap when he wants, work on his D&D stuff all day sometimes while i take care of everything else. he bascially has nothing to do but thats how I want it. i like to have everything done so he doesnt have to do anything but come in from a hard days work and relax with his family. i love him with everything i have. yes sometimes we may argue about stuff but its not major. hes my soul mate, my lover and my best friend. he feels the same way and we have great plans for our future. what id like to say to her is fuck off. you dont know us and you cannot understand because you dont love tony that way. shes still in love with her ex but is in denial about that. our life is getting so much better each day as im doing self-hypnosis and working out has brought us closer. look for great things from us. our family is great and im not going to let some snotty brat bring us down.
Since this happened she wrote an apology heres what it said:
Dear Katy, I know you are not expecting to hear from me again, or at least certainly not to hear what I am about to say. I come to you with an apology, and uneasy peace to offer. I don't know that you'll accept it or even trust to believe it. But I talked with my brother on the phone today and could hear the stress and tiredness in his voice, so I spent a good deal of time thinking things over, and here is what I have to say...Perhaps my first email was too harsh, or too sudden, or both. I should have expressed my frustration with fewer words and more care, but I didn't. I could say, "you caught me on a bad day" or "must be because I'm not a morning person", but those would just be excuses.What I should have said in my second message was that your children were no bother to me, and that I hadn't intended to upset you. I should have said I'm sorry you don't like me, though I don't know why you don't, but I have never said I don't like you - and I should have left it at that.What I should have done is been more loving and more understanding toward you. When I noticed the way you guys fight, I should have waited for the right time and then asked you about it, listened to your side of the story, and offered any help or advice you might have welcomed, and left the rest unsaid.What I should have done when I noticed that you are quick-tempered is to share with you that I am, too, and this is something I have had to work to overcome since I had children. I could have loaned you a parenting book or invited you over to discuss the stresses in your life and see if I had any answers that would help you.What I should have done is said, "Hey, I can relate. I married a guy and brought someone else's child into the relationship, and it took some getting used to but here's how we got through it, maybe our experiences can help make yours a little easier." I could have told you that being newly married, with a baby to take care of is hard. I remember. I could have told you what a drastic difference ther is between caring for one child and caring for two, and how sometimes you'll fell torn in two yourself, and sometimes you'll just be so utterly exhausted that you just want to be left alone.What I should have done is tell you how we went through our own struggles at this same point in our marriage. They say the second year of marriage is the hardest - the "honeymoon is over", but you haven't yet reached that point wher all the kinks are worked out - and I agree. It was certainly the hardest year of our marriage. Add in a baby, some postpartum depression, and not nearly enough sleep, and things get even harder. I could have told you all that and empathized with you, but I didn't.I should have told you from the beginning that I'm not particularly fond of keeping other people's kids - not just your kids, but any kids. It makes me nervous. But I do it sometimes because I know people need help and some day I may need someone to keep my kids for awhile. I should have told you all this a long time ago, so you could understand how hard it is for me to smile and say, "Sure, I'll watch the kids.", and therefore perhaps understand my irritation better with the incidences over the past few weeks.What I should have done is try to help you find the positive in life instead of condemning you for seeking out the negative.What I should have done is realized that while I love a great debate and can argue my head off without getting emotionally involved, you were being hurt by some of the things I said. My brother pointed out to me today that although our family enjoys the debates, most other people don't. I should have thought of that.What I should have done is been a better friend - because, loathe as we have both been to admit it for the past few days, for much of our lives we have been friends. I should have offered gentle encouragement instead of harsh criticism. I should have been a help rather than a hindrance. I should have offered my help and advice but not given it unless asked.I should have said and done a lot of kind and loving things, but instead I was unfeeling and judgmental.I should have apologized, and now I am. It was never my intention to create dissension between you and me, you and my brother, or our families in general, and I am sorry that so much has been said that cannot be taken back.I know you will not accept this apology easily, if at all. But I offer it just the same. Life is too short to be ruined by petty differences. I was reminded of that today by a friend who is facing truly monstrous problems in her own life, and I felt foolish for all the useless bickering of the past few days.We've both said harsh things and we've both had our feelings hurt, or at least our pride wounded. Things cannot be made magically perfect after something like that, and I realize that, and I'm sure you do as well. For that I am truly sorry and hope that you will accept my apologies - all of them.Heather
I wasnt to sure she meant any of this. I wrote back an apology as well. I thought everything would be alright and I was wrong. We go to the same church and she doesnt even acknowledge that Im there. She talks to Mike but ignores me. I feel judged and persecuted whenever we are in the same room. I know now that we will NEVER be friends again. Everything we believe is different and I cant be friends with someone who thinks she is better than me because she home schools her kids. Theres nothing wrong with home schooling. But she never goes anywhere. She doesnt drive, they arent in any home school group. She keeps the kids completely isolated from any other kids and they are not going to know how to deal with anything outside of the home. She thinks everything she does is better than me but you know what Im not going to allow her to bring me and my family down.
Mike and I joined Red Fork Baptist Church and for the first time in a long time I feel that I have peace about things. I feel this will bring us closer and things will be better. We work out 3 days a week at the gym and try to walk together. Working out definitely brings us closer. Things are good between us and I dont have to justify my marriage or life to anyone especially her.
Stay tuned for more......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
